Hello, Thedosians, and long time no see (no talk, no update, no nothing really)
Until now...
I DON'T like making my life public online, always hated that, and probably never will again lol. But I feel like some things I will need to address just because I know that you deserve some answers and events that transpired.
And no, I'm not here to slander anyone's names, or anyone's actions (although I should for some of the community), I am just writing down what I had to deal with. And brace yourself, I am not proud of 2021. That year was the year of ruin for me and I never wish that upon anyone else. So please, read if you can, and some things might be triggering if you deal with self-harm and suicide.
TW: Self-harm, mental health, and suicide.
ALSO, I am not re-explaining my relationship ever again, this is what happened and the aftermath of when I went public.
I'm going to first say this; I AM SORRY for any harm I have caused to the community, that was never my intention, and it never would have been in the end. I truly admire the Dragon Age community I made for my channel and work, but I do have some things to address.
I am a Christian, I have always been religious, and will continue to be in my late age. This might seem hypocritical considering some of the actions many called me out on but I will never lie about what I am nor will pretend to ally with things I stand against to 'protect' my reputation.
I am unashamed by the Gospel, and even more so because of the things I went through in 2021, the Lord is really the only thing I can grasp nowadays due to the sorrow I have been through.
So being transphobic, homophobic, racist, bigotry, or whatever new name people called me has never been a part of who I am. I was Christian first, and many people made fun of that way before the information was pulled out of the wazoo to support another party. That was something held against me and one of the many reasons why I came clean on YouTube and on Twitter. Despite the threats from other fans of their community.
I despise the words I used and to the point that those words were held in higher regard than my trauma. And that hurt, it hurt a lot seeing something you made a huge mistake on becoming their reason for the vehement attack on my safety.
Yes, my safety was at stake. But let's start right from the beginning before the video.
I was more than $6,000 in debt after my divorce. I went back to my old job 9-5 but I knew that paying all of this off was not going to be easy. I worked in the credit industry and all day I would get calls about consumers who had to file bankruptcy due to their husband/wife, they were in so much debt. (really scared me at times)
I was at a point in my life where content creation (February, March, April, May) was my only source of happiness. I was in a constant state of 'survival' mode, where if I never stayed up to edit, or did extra hours at work, I would never pay off my debt.
Then came therapy, I hated therapy in the beginning, I had to relive events that happened in the apartment I was still in. I was in a state of shock, did not eat properly for weeks, and barely slept because of the night terrors.
That's where the depression hit me, I worked from home, but could not get out of my bed, so I would weep in between clients and fall asleep during work hours. I was a total wreck.
But I was smiling online, pretending all was okay because I loved the community, I loved making people online happy. And I enjoyed Dragon Age, I was a huge fan...
Eventually, my boss was starting to see me slack, to the point where I messed up on things really simple, and my attention span was deteriorating. I could no longer feel the need to thrive because I was indentured financially for good...
I remember crying to my manager that I couldn't do this another minute, I was going through a divorce and couldn't keep up with a 9-5. My boss was so shocked because she thought I was still married- but understood. After that, I sent in my resignation, and they let me go since there were no options to work less in that job.
That's where I hit rock bottom, I felt super shameful of what I did and really wish no one would ever do this job because of how dangerous it was.
But I still needed to pay off my thousands of dollars in debt and started to look at options for sex work, yes, I did do sex work. Specifically, stripping.
And I got hired...
It was free enough to work whenever I can, but I remember working almost every night in the beginning because I wanted to get this job over with.
I worked at a Rick's Cabaret - the one in Pittsburgh and looked like a deer in (the) headlights. I knew this was against every moral standard I had, but I felt like I had no other choice, my family didn't even know either. No one knew for a long time...
But during the summer, I finally paid off my debt-
This is from PNC bank during the time I finally paid off my debt.
It was a huge accomplishment, and although I felt free, I did not feel good at all. The online harassment was really big around May, June, & July, and paying off my debt did not make any of my problems go away.
It made it worse, I never spoke about the amounts I went to, to get out of a horrific situation, yet entering into another, and I could no longer fake it online anymore. This harassment was eating me up.
TW:
Late in the morning of May 6th, 2021, I attempted suicide.
I called the local hotline for suicide, and they were going to call me in for rehab, or I needed to be with a friend who checked in on me every day (preferably).
Did the 2nd option, just because I was terrified for myself at that point, and I had no one except at that time coworkers in a club... I still didn't trust my parents and never wanted them to know how much I was going through, I was ashamed and embarrassed. I never knew how hard this was going to be.
That was also around the time when I got Doxing attacks. Yes, someone found my address.
I got random creepy mail and eventually, there was the same weird car parked in front of the street, the amount of paranoia was really getting to me.
So I decided to live with my coworker before I went to Florida with an old friend, this was during May to June. And all I did was work until I could go Florida.
I took a hiatus online and tweeted about it clearly, that was when I was in Florida. I made a TikTok about my stealth (to cope jokingly) and boom. I got an email from Google Adsense regarding my channel:
My whole channel got demonetized due to 3rd party trafficking. That means a group of people or a bot spammed clicked my ads on my videos until my channel got flagged.
This was devastating, my channel no longer received the money. I was in total shock and really just gave up on content creation as a whole.
Mentally, I realized that it wasn't worth it, not the likes, not the views, and definitely not the harassment I received made me want to keep going.
I thought to myself 'what's next? My Twitch? My TikTok? Now my apartment?'
This was full-on ruining my life and caused me to want to die. To no longer have the need to live...
I sent an Adsense appeal, and to no avail did it work, even though I gave proper proof, and if I might know of who it might have been (yikes).
At that point, when the appeal did not get approved, I hated the community, I even started hating the games and the devs, and the other content creators who were fake to me. I didn't understand why me of all others. Why I decided to stand up, and I took the downfall.
I looked up options to keep trying because I still had that passion to make things, to create. But ended up deleting my channel in the process. I tried to switch my channel to a creator channel and it did not go through. I had a panic attack that specific week and just remembered my therapist giving me advice to just quit cold turkey because it was deteriorating my mental sanity at this point.
My old channel for those who are new:
And so I did, unfortunately. I deleted my discord account, Twitter, and TikTok, and hid my twitch account and steam/origin names for fear of further harassment.
I unpublished the blog that I loved, and all the content I wrote here. All of it was gone, I was alone in my thoughts, and it felt like I lost a child. This content was my life for such a long time, and to quit it, felt like grieving a whole person.
Months passed, and I blocked those who were online until I could stop crying about it every day. Lived with my co-worker and then in October (around my birthday), I started to have the worst thoughts imaginable.
TW:
I wanted to die so badly, I wanted to be in the news about my death so those who harmed my content would finally feel bad. It was such a hard mental state to get out of because I had no need to live anymore. My birthday was going to be horrible because everything changed now and I was no longer the same girl I was in 2019, and 2020.
Eventually, I got the rope ready, listened to a song that I liked, and couldn't do it again. Something was holding me back, little did I know that song was a Christian singer. I'd like to think that the Lord saved me that day. (Oct, 29th, 2021)
Eventually, I stopped wanting to work at the strip club, and finally, after the holidays, I finished working at Rick's around March of 2022.
I saved up enough to move back to Colorado (was planning to in February), and I am finally happy to say I am different. I chose my faith to be a bigger part of my life, and it was good to finally have my family (with a lot of boundaries) back and start a new chapter in my life.
I want to let some of y'all know, that no one could have changed my hardships and lifestyle without the need of Christ. It might sound cheesy to some, but He never left me in these moments of what felt like Hell.
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
Psalm 139:8
I will say I feel burdens off of me, but I do still cry, I do still feel sorrow and pain, and I know that one day none of this stuff will matter anymore. I really know none of it will, that's what keeps me going every day.
The Lord is with me, and I pray that many know that He is with you every day too.
Saria (or Cecilia)
Commentaires